I was brought up in the "healthy multiplicity" community online, which basically argues that being multiple is not necessarily a mental illness. Which was a godsend to us when we were young and had "only" undergone the Raping Year--by DID trauma terms, that's nothing. We didn't feel traumatized enough for DID, and our memory seemed pretty contiguous, and "healthy multiplicity" gave us an alternative, allowing us to identify ourselves as multi without the huge therapeutic baggage associated with it.
A lot of our early comics and zines reflect this, FTMPD in particular. Within our tiny subculture, we became decently known for our viewpoint on multiplicity, on being an "example." God help me, there were people who saw us as someone worthy of looking up to.
And then the Bad Years happened.
Now we're certified DID, our memory has been exposed as not nearly as contiguous as we thought it was, and I'm no longer healthy. I don't know if I ever will be again. Sneak finally started counting and paying respects to our dead, and suddenly, we realized that no, our multi was EXACTLY like that shit in the books and manuals. We're no longer that healthy multiple that kids look up to, the one with the good job and a respectable life. We're disabled. And I am working at not being ashamed at that, because you know, sometimes that happens, but sometimes I'm still so ANGRY about it.
First, there's the personal side. I used to be PROUD of being multi. That's what our icon says, doesn't it? "Queer, trans, multi, proud!" But now that I've been through the Bad Years, and now that I know what my brain is willing to do to me in the interests of survival, I can't be proud of it. My brain is totally okay with editing my memory and free will if it keeps us alive, and apparently I'm more durable than other people here. Which means if the Bad Years come again, I will be the one charged to endure it, because I'm the most likely NOT to die.
Not a very comforting thought, is it?
And then there's the political side, which shouldn't have such a sway over me, but does. For years, I argued for healthy multiplicity, for multiplicity as a point of pride. How can I do that when I can't be proud of my own multiplicity, when I'm not healthy? When I may NEVER be healthy, and when pursuing that ideal of health might cause us major damage?
Although I still write, and make educational comics, and do plenty of things, I still feel like I've lost a chunk of what gave my life direction, and it gets me pretty angry. I no longer feel like I can be a part of the healthy multiplicity community, but I've spent too much time in it to be comfortable with the DID community. There's a lot of baggage with DID that I'm still not a big fan of, and I don't like a lot of the little tin gods that helped form a lot of the popular concepts of multiplicity. I am very critical about it and the mental health system in a lot of ways.
So basically, I've been at a crossroads for a while, and it's been really honking me off. I'm still not quite sure what to do with it.
At least I'm in a good enough condition to HAVE these kinds of problems again. At least my brain's allowing me to even be cognizant of them. There's that to be proud of, at least.