LB Lee (lb_lee) wrote,
LB Lee

The Secret-Bearers, revised

People will often talk about the closet as though it’s safer.  This has not been my experience; it’s merely a different set of risks, which I personally am less able to deal with.  For me, being out of the closet IS safer.

One of the (many) reasons I have for this is that when an important part of you is a secret (and in our case, our very EXISTENCE was a secret), you feel really bound to anyone you tell that secret to.  You are less likely to cut and run, because it’s so hard to find other people who you can tell your secret to, so you might end up tolerating treatment you otherwise wouldn't.

I have long noticed how enmeshed and incestuous marginalized subculture groups tend to be–be it trans groups, multi groups, whatever.  I see the same patterns over and over, and part of it, I think, is the “secret-bearer” thing times ten.  Now you’re not just a couple of secret-bearers; you’re a whole GROUP of secret-bearers, holding everybody’s secrets, and those relationships ties are now like a convoluted, suffocating web.

Sometimes people stop trying to be open with other people, staying only within the group.  Because the group is SAFE… until it’s not.

Just because someone can carry your “secret” does not mean they are safe.  It does not mean they are deserving of your trust.  It does not mean anything about their ethical or moral character or their personal compatibility with you.  Yes, it can be a relief to discover someone who won't reject you for your secret... but try to be aware, that doesn't make them a good person.

Be careful, guys.
Tags: multi geekdom
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